I am over the moon to be at this place where I am, truly, IN LOVE. What makes it even more thrilling, and humbling, is that it’s for the very first time. Yes, I mean it. People have always been shocked when I have shared that I have never been in love. Responses like, “you’ve been married twice (how could you not have been in love?)” or “you have so much love in your life (how could you not have been in love?)” miss the boat completely, those “facts” have nothing to do with my reality, my lens, my beliefs, my perspective. Or, my “stuff.”

Being married for more than 14 years (of which 14 of them were spent in marital counseling), taught me that long-term marriage and (being in) love can surely be two different things. I was in a marriage of incompatibility of proportions that most people would not understand, or be able to exist in, let alone flourish. It takes two, and I can trace so much to how my life led me to a place where good enough was enough. Or what I thought I deserved. Or that relationships are “hard” and once you have kids, suck it up. And I did that, through 14 years of joint therapy. And once I had my revelation that the energy, the chemistry, the alchemy between X and me would never change under the construct of that marriage, I came to realize that I had to do what was then the unthinkable. I had to leave. Not my kids. This person, who never could be a partner to me. Good enough was no longer good enough. Given a choice at that point between the known and the unknown, I knew which choice I needed to make. 

I had come to realize that I wanted to live a life of joy, and that would not be possible with X. For me to unshackle myself from those Chains of Beliefs that led me to be with someone who I am not sure, as it turned out, even really liked me (who I am, what I believe in, how I roll in the world, and want to), I had to implode my life, and I did. And, like any major choice in life, it provides a wide range of byproducts. And now, from where I sit, I would choose that every moment, this journey of more than 25 years has led me here, with deep gratitude, to a place where I am experiencing more joy, more truth, more authenticity, more courage, than I ever could have imagined. 

The payoffs have been extraordinary and yes, it’s been a bumpy and painful ride at times, weathering many dark nights of the soul. I had to Unlearn so much to be able to LEARN, to experience, what love feels like, and is. It’s my experience that we learn so much more about what we want and like from experiences that many people call “Mistakes.” Those choices that didn’t work out like we hoped/wanted them to. Those, my friends, are the Lessons of Opportunity. Where we can get clear.

The payoffs have been extraordinary and yes, it’s been a bumpy and painful ride at times, weathering many dark nights of the soul. I had to Unlearn so much to be able to LEARN, to experience, what love feels like, and is. It’s my experience that we learn so much more about what we want and like from experiences that many people call “Mistakes.” Those choices that didn’t work out like we hoped/wanted them to. Those, my friends, are the Lessons of Opportunity. Where we can get clear.

I have learned so much from each person I have been with, in any type of relationship. I have come to understand that I don’t want to be in a Love Relationship where either of us would say, “I can’t talk to my partner about that.” I have best female friends throughout my life where I could tell them anything. I want that with my partner. And there’s that word. Partner. What I have been wanting, imagining (maybe even craving) is a Beloved. Someone who has my back, as I do hers. Who loves and appreciates the parts of me that I cherish the most. For too long I had to ensmall myself to accommodate that person with whom I stood under the chuppah and said, “I do.” I came to see that NoCanDoNoMas, and that acknowledging this is OK. Even if painful. 

We need to tell the truth to ourselves, first. That’s a huge step. Because once we do, we have no idea where the road will lead. Being willing to show up for ourselves requires courage, and I have learned that I have oodles of it. I see men, too often, unwilling to admit the painful truths about their relationships, and as a Feminist who has always been part of uplifting females, encouraging them to break free, I am also here to be a mirror for men, to tap into their EMOTIONAL core, and share their stories, they/we need to be heard. Opening pathways to communication requires two people to be ready, willing and able to bare their souls. To feel safe.

It is revelatory to be with someone who not only loves, and is in love with, me. She actually likes me. She is my Beloved as we work to expand notions – for BOTH OF US – that transcend anything we have experienced before, and what it means to create what WE want, a relationship not defined by someone else’s or societal rules or labels or paradigms. My heart is so open, I cry every day. It would have been easy to give up on my dream, my notion, of being in a transcendent PARTNERSHIP. I had so much work to do to get to a place where I could attract this Magic, and embrace it. Fear can run deep. I am relishing each second of this, far too many moments have passed without this feeling, I am drinking it all up.